sorry ive not been in touch i have had some days of denial and lots of alcohol, anyways i saw my calm \dr Gowda last friday who talked me threw whats happening tomorrow, my big brother checked out my hospital and surgeon its ironic he is called Mr Nijam he is Iraqi and was ttraind in baghdad ..reminder to self dont mention you love queen and country x my other consulatan is Miss Murphy pmsl named after my dog .. anyway i have company speak later x
BOO lol so here i am a few glasses of wine down thanks to debbie making mick bring me some ..thats another story lol , shes actually been great at keeping me occupied on fb today she seems a bit like me ..insecure and yet loving ..so tonight we moved the bedrooms around i need to keep busy , my murphy is oo confused but so am i so hey ho ..
today i found myself talking to god.well if there is one but i cried why then i got angry and said typical give me the crap then i got to ok what ever you have given me crap before ..talk abt confused . com lol
i found out over the weekend ( well jenny toldme ? ..has carl told her?) she had her heart attack 12 yrs ago on 3rd of feb ..my nans birthday :-) but also my D day..she started saying she never looked after me so i accidently cut her off ..let her have her denial its the only gift i can leave her..my kids dont wanna know me or her and i have no money lol
paul said he was gonna make me a valentines tea..then couldnt remember my favpourite pmsl but i did loose the plot with him ..how dare you not know me ...when im dead and they ask about me you will describe someone else...god i am a bitch maybe thats why? i told god i dont give a dam whatever happens he cant hurt me anymore why did he let norman do what he did why did he let jenny not believe me why do i always get hurt then i figured what the fuck im not gonna die because he just likes hurting me ..maybe im the devil ,,anyway
chin chin glass of wine the tea and another restless night .
Monday, 10 February 2014
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
Day 3
here we are again, well i managed a few hours sleep an i even managed to eat a little, last night i linked my children to each other on facebook , i hope more than anything they can build a relationship but my son is so full of hatred to me and my daughter expects the world to owe her a favour because of me it could all backfire,
i had to tell my big brother today , i needed to i have always relied on him, i hope he is ok i guess he was stunned because he hummed and asked the same questions over and over , i told him its gonna be fine im a fighter i dont give up and i am i will fight this bastard and i will win and i will celebrate every day he wanted to come up all the way from london so i had family with me , and swore him not to tell jenny i cant be doing with that at the moment.
i have friends for dinner tonight ..my house is soo busy but sometimes i just wanna be on my own , wallowing then when i am i sit and think and leak , ive set up a spotify playlist for the songs i want at my funeral / wake ...what happened to positive thinking trace ..oh yeah you save that for everyone else when really your just a scared little girl in a broken old body
i got my letter from the hospital to confirm tuesday, if i have a biopsy and that bit im sure of i dont get the results for a week ..like hell i will be hassling them everyday im gonna mention this on friday
i had to tell my big brother today , i needed to i have always relied on him, i hope he is ok i guess he was stunned because he hummed and asked the same questions over and over , i told him its gonna be fine im a fighter i dont give up and i am i will fight this bastard and i will win and i will celebrate every day he wanted to come up all the way from london so i had family with me , and swore him not to tell jenny i cant be doing with that at the moment.
i have friends for dinner tonight ..my house is soo busy but sometimes i just wanna be on my own , wallowing then when i am i sit and think and leak , ive set up a spotify playlist for the songs i want at my funeral / wake ...what happened to positive thinking trace ..oh yeah you save that for everyone else when really your just a scared little girl in a broken old body
i got my letter from the hospital to confirm tuesday, if i have a biopsy and that bit im sure of i dont get the results for a week ..like hell i will be hassling them everyday im gonna mention this on friday
Tuesday, 4 February 2014
day 2
so here i am day 2 , ive been productive ive got this blog up and running ( not bad for a technophobe) so i can rant
the hospital phoned first thing to tell me im booked in for next tuesday at 1 , i still dont know what is going to happen to me so ive arranged an appointment to go see my calm dr Gowder and ask her on friday
its so fucking quick.. is that good is that bad i really dont know, my eyes still leak and i feel physically sick not sure if thats worry, tiredness,wine or olives :-/
my longest best friend came (shes not my oldest after all shes younger than me :-) the one i mentioned who had a massive fall out with her sister and as always told me its nothing to worry about its gonna be fine but hugged me so tight when i said oh my god susie im shitting it ( reminder to take a picture of that lighter) she bought wine :-) she knows me better than anyone
i told 3 of my closest friends today not least because i need them to support paul so he can continue to support me i also told someone who ive never met that was kind of good because she doesnt know how i like tpo party lol
i need to say debbie turned up yesterday with wine and being typically english a big pot of food lol ( i refuse to take sides)
my eyes are sore from the leaking and now im here on my own paul had a training thing to do i ned him to carry on ad normal he needs that structure so me the smurf and wine are all keeping each other company ..no olives though.
i have to decide soon do i tell my family and my kids including the ones i helped raise did i say i use to foster kids and take in every waif and stray im a nanna / momma T to many , yet was such a piece of shit to both of my own i was so bad back then but i was alone i had noone not even jenny ( thats my mother) she actually stood up in court to tell a judge give them to there fathers , and yert i still love her in my own way she used to tell me how shit her life was growing up but shes happy now with malc. do i email text call do i wait till i can look them in the eyes i dont think i can do the last one until i stop leaking, do i wait until im diagnosed and then have them screaming you should have told us sooner do i tell them now and worry them too? anyway im leaking again and ive ran out of wine lets see if i can sleep tonight?
the hospital phoned first thing to tell me im booked in for next tuesday at 1 , i still dont know what is going to happen to me so ive arranged an appointment to go see my calm dr Gowder and ask her on friday
its so fucking quick.. is that good is that bad i really dont know, my eyes still leak and i feel physically sick not sure if thats worry, tiredness,wine or olives :-/
my longest best friend came (shes not my oldest after all shes younger than me :-) the one i mentioned who had a massive fall out with her sister and as always told me its nothing to worry about its gonna be fine but hugged me so tight when i said oh my god susie im shitting it ( reminder to take a picture of that lighter) she bought wine :-) she knows me better than anyone
i told 3 of my closest friends today not least because i need them to support paul so he can continue to support me i also told someone who ive never met that was kind of good because she doesnt know how i like tpo party lol
i need to say debbie turned up yesterday with wine and being typically english a big pot of food lol ( i refuse to take sides)
my eyes are sore from the leaking and now im here on my own paul had a training thing to do i ned him to carry on ad normal he needs that structure so me the smurf and wine are all keeping each other company ..no olives though.
i have to decide soon do i tell my family and my kids including the ones i helped raise did i say i use to foster kids and take in every waif and stray im a nanna / momma T to many , yet was such a piece of shit to both of my own i was so bad back then but i was alone i had noone not even jenny ( thats my mother) she actually stood up in court to tell a judge give them to there fathers , and yert i still love her in my own way she used to tell me how shit her life was growing up but shes happy now with malc. do i email text call do i wait till i can look them in the eyes i dont think i can do the last one until i stop leaking, do i wait until im diagnosed and then have them screaming you should have told us sooner do i tell them now and worry them too? anyway im leaking again and ive ran out of wine lets see if i can sleep tonight?
day 1
so i was having a yummy bubble bath last week and when i soaped myself i found a lump in my right boob, it was a bit painful so went to the doctors yesterday .
a nice lady called Dr Gowda examined me at 10.30 and when i saw the colour drain from her face knew i wasn't imagining it, she calmly sat me down and said yes i can feel a lump and its quite large, was it relief was it panic was it terror i don't know but i burst into tears I remember her telling me its ok we will support you through this and something abt breast surgery and scans, i pulled myself together because believe it or not i cope with dramas, ive had a few in my life but im sure i will get to that lot later.anyway i walked through town , after all it was food shopping day and we had nothing in i bumped into an old friend who said i looked like a ghost i was so white, guess it had hit me more than i thought.
i did go food shopping and yet there was still nothing for tea, what can a girl do with a bag of tortillas a jar of olives and 4 bottles of wine?
i got a call at 20 past 1 it was the Dr saying she wanted me to be seen as soon as possible ..it had been less than 3 hours i was still trying to get my head around it and explain to paul, that wasnt easy because i still didn't know myself, i spent the night drinking my wine with leaky eyes ( i don't cry remember) and eating a jar of olives :-) my longest best friends sister visited it hurts to see them falling out and i WILL get them back on track anyway she came she had the funniest lighter i have ever seen its a toilet ..how apt, ( i may take a picture of it one day) we laughed we cried we even put the bloody world to rights it was the perfect distraction.
it was gone midnight when i realised it was bed time so off i went i think i managed abt 2 hours sleep and still woke up with leaking eyes.
that was my 1st 24 hours of being so scared and yet i know theres lots more 24 hours to come ...
a nice lady called Dr Gowda examined me at 10.30 and when i saw the colour drain from her face knew i wasn't imagining it, she calmly sat me down and said yes i can feel a lump and its quite large, was it relief was it panic was it terror i don't know but i burst into tears I remember her telling me its ok we will support you through this and something abt breast surgery and scans, i pulled myself together because believe it or not i cope with dramas, ive had a few in my life but im sure i will get to that lot later.anyway i walked through town , after all it was food shopping day and we had nothing in i bumped into an old friend who said i looked like a ghost i was so white, guess it had hit me more than i thought.
i did go food shopping and yet there was still nothing for tea, what can a girl do with a bag of tortillas a jar of olives and 4 bottles of wine?
i got a call at 20 past 1 it was the Dr saying she wanted me to be seen as soon as possible ..it had been less than 3 hours i was still trying to get my head around it and explain to paul, that wasnt easy because i still didn't know myself, i spent the night drinking my wine with leaky eyes ( i don't cry remember) and eating a jar of olives :-) my longest best friends sister visited it hurts to see them falling out and i WILL get them back on track anyway she came she had the funniest lighter i have ever seen its a toilet ..how apt, ( i may take a picture of it one day) we laughed we cried we even put the bloody world to rights it was the perfect distraction.
it was gone midnight when i realised it was bed time so off i went i think i managed abt 2 hours sleep and still woke up with leaking eyes.
that was my 1st 24 hours of being so scared and yet i know theres lots more 24 hours to come ...
this blog is my way of coping with the biggest fight of my life ..for my life, its for me , its my way to say how im feeling when im angry, sad,happy,scared or just plain old bored. It will contain hard truths, scary facts proberbly swear words and im certain lots of spelling mistakes.
im 44 live in yorkshire with my beautiful dog murphy ( the smurf) and my ex partner ..i know wierd but he is my rock my best friend and determined to make it upto me so that we can get back togethor we will see?
im 44 live in yorkshire with my beautiful dog murphy ( the smurf) and my ex partner ..i know wierd but he is my rock my best friend and determined to make it upto me so that we can get back togethor we will see?
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